VIRginia IS FOR RACERS

GRATUITOUS “BABES” PIC

No, the two foreground guys, Burt and Ernie . . . um, er, Mark, ain’t that to which I’m referring.

The good news is the Gamma88 Girls will return with AIM Autosports sponsor and its two stars, Burt Frisselle (smiling, near right, in sunglasses) and Mark Wilkins (far left, wondering “Now, what’s that over there?”) to the Rolex Sports Car Series paddock’s next stop Thursday through Saturday (May 12-14) at VIRginia International Raceway.

The No. 61 Gamma88 Ford-Riley “has fourth place covered,” claimed Ian Willis after it finished fourth in March’s Miami Grand Prix at Homestead-Miami Speedway and April’s Barber Motorsports Park in Leeds, Ala.

(Yep, Ol’ DC is quite confused right this moment, because back in 2003 he learned BMP was, or is George Barber’s gift to the City of Birmingham, Alabama. Yet, most everyone’s dateline says “Leeds,” wherein located is a Hampton Inn few can afford to stay and a Bass Pro Shop, in which I virtually camp when not at the race track.)

WHEN THE LEVEE BREAKS

When “When The Levee Breaks” (funky wording in a kind of stuttering way, huh?) was published in 1929 after the Great Mississippi Flood of 1927, it’s a safe bet “Kansas Joe” McCoy (far right) and “Memphis Minnie” (near right) had no clue Led Zeppelin would cover the duo’s blues song some four decades later (in fact, probably no more than Led Zeppelin knew their cover of “Levee” would be mixed with New Orleans post-Katrina footage).

Thus, “today” feels especially apocalyptic, in a 2012 kind of way, knowing people along the Mississippi River again are fleeing its floodwaters while Grand-Am, yet another group of which Kansas Joe and Memphis Minnie likely never dreamt, is in the midst of its own kind of flood, albeit written.

Shades of 2009 come to mind when only four full months and a handful of days into the 2011 season now is seen a 14-deep (including one “re-do”) combined pile of Grand-Am “Competitor Info” and “Technical Bulletin” notifications.

When “The Show” is itself important, such releases are or should be geared toward that end, alone; the theory being crowds of racing fans will ultimately be drawn to “fair” competitions.

The odd thing is, at least for now, we’re talking about North Americans (attending the races; not driving in them, Joao) and there’s little more North Americans enjoy than a good ol’ bloodied nose.

No?

Witness the ever-increasing popularity of “organized” fighting – even now or soon to be found in a city park near you, for goodness sakes.

Underway over in one of the other NASCAR series is a multi-front brouhaha involving rumors of Ryan Newman (below right, driving Stewart-Haas Racing car at Daytona) punching Juan Pablo Montoya (at near left in 2010, listening to driving suggestions made by Patrick Dempsey, at far left. Asked afterward as to why he might be offering Montoya suggestions, Dempsey said, “Oh, I was told he was John Montoya!”)

Neither driver will confirm or deny the meeting (not Dempsey and Montoya; rather, the latter and Newman), reportedly occurring at the front of the NASCAR hauler at Darlington Raceway this past weekend, during which “discussed” was a reported previous on-track altercation between the two, who cares where? There’s a buzz in the air!

Well, not by the pugilists, of course, but among whom now are included Kevin Harvick and Kyle Busch, who got it on immediately after Darlington. Both were fined $25,000, put on notice and blah, blah, blah. Who cares! There’s a buzz in the air! (And people now buying tickets they wouldn’t have otherwise bought and fans planning to watch at least some of the next race, while others will listen intently to news reports to determine if a replay should be watched – whether 30-second highlighted fisticuffs or the DVR recording of an entire race. Who cares! There’s a buzz in the air!)

And here we sit, over in the dull, boring Rolex Sports Car Series, where since 2003 the Daytona Prototype race at a 17-turn, 3.27-mile track in Virginia’s backwoods has produced an overall first-place average margin of victory of 1.37 seconds and, over the last three DP races, a tighter 0.515 average MOV (restated: slightly over 1/2 of one second distance between first and second places – a three-race average!).

Well, goodness, just put me to sleep.

Yet, the Mexican Hat Stomp, having occurred in such a now-distant past that when discussed today leaves nearby children looking positively puzzled, asking fathers, “I know who ‘The Hulk’ is, Daddy, but who’s, um, Chris Bingham? And why was he dumb enough to mess around with The Hulk?”

Yessiree folks, that Stomp was a good ‘un (with thanks to Terry Lee Earwood, who loves Elvis more than anyone or anything and who went totally apoplectic, still is, in fact, when XM/Sirius rolled out its 24/7/365 Elvis channel).

“The Stomp” made all the TV “sports news” broadcasts along with a few “regular” newscasts, too, and preceded one of Grand-Am’s best attendance run-ups – in competitors as well as fans.

Heck, this reporter hours after sundown was still fielding calls about it while sitting in the infamous track-to-hotel shuttle bus, parked at the foot of the Autódromo Hermanos Rodríguez pedestrian bridge (and for which Ol’ DC’s still on a “monthly repayment plan” for the incurred international phone charges).

Late-night TV viewers can still catch the ad-hoc Stomp on “The World’s Greatest Road Rages – The Best of The Best” – or the reader can just click on the above Mexican Hat Stomp link to relive those former days of glory.

With all due respect to Camp Boggy Creek, to which official Grand-Am fines are channeled, the Rolex Series’ powers-that-be could pretend to fine the drivers but overlook a subsequent lack of payment. Heck, NASCAR is still awaiting Cale Yarborough and The Alabama Gang’s fine payments (true, years ago researched it myownself, eventually along with NASCAR archive and, later still, NASCAR bookkeeping staff who all came to the same conclusion: the 1979 Allison and Yarborough fines were never paid nor officially “forgiven.” Bill France certainly had his head properly screwed on. However, that being said, the precedent was set regarding the levying and payment of fines. This scribe strongly suggests that the teams and/or drivers consult with counsel on the matter and probably spend, oh, only $50,000 to $100,000 in attorney’s fees to save $25,000. Seems sensible in this day and age, no? Heck, the government does.)

Hey, here’s a compromise: have Grand-Am pay the fines, proportionate to the resulting TV coverage, allowing the driver to recapture at least some prizefighting benefit as a “charitable contribution” on his IRS Form 1040. But, please, first check with your accountant before making any tax decisions based on information contained herein. Should you need a name, here’s a good one: Bob Johnson, because any accountant having riverfront offices and a two-car race team clearly knows a thing or two about tax law, folks. You can reach him at Action Express Racing).

Still, a good ol’ dance being fun, let’s keep on rockin’.

“GONNA GIT THAT BOY”

The Beatles “Retirement Album” (also known as “The White Album”) contains one cut wherein a dissed “Rocky Raccoon” seeks to avenge the loss of his life’s love – or, perhaps that should be “love life” – to another man.

“Her name was Magill, and she called herself Lil, but everyone knew her as Nancy.”*

Even though Rocky had the drop, his opponent, Dan, “drew first and shot” and won the Old West-style shootout at the hoedown – or perhaps that should be . . . uh, never mind (we don’t want children to asking about that just yet. Know what I mean?).

A bleeding Rocky received following care from a doctor “stinking of gin” and afterward retired to his room “only to read Gideon’s Bible” – who “no doubt wished to help with good Rocky’s revival.”

(Yep, your scribe can sing every note of Rocky Raccoon, it being contained deep within Ol’ DC’s brain recesses, along with other oldies but goodies like, “They’re Coming To Take Me Away, Ha, Ha.”)

*(Lyrics ©1968, Apple Records and/or Michael Jackson and/or Sony Records and/or, soon, in courtrooms everywhere, 100-million-or-so disgruntled PS3 on-line gamers).

Grand-Am officials no doubt having hummed Mr. Raccoon’s story, too, as well as feeling an urgent need for creating race-ending suspense where none has existed since well into last season, felt it best to issue a $25,000 bounty on Messrs. Mike Hull, Scott Pruett, Memo Rojas, Tim Keene, Kent Holden, along with the remainder of the No. 01 TELMEX BMW-Riley crew, including the ever-shifty Chip Ganassi and, by implication if not overtly, his infamous South of The Border Cohorts, Felix Sabates y José Sabates (the latter being the most secretive of the seven Sabates children).

(Hopefully, Grand-Am will print and distribute the posters, T-shirts and hats at VIR, too, because they’ll nearly fly off the shelves. Wait! Never is it a good time to waste great metaphoric opportunities: “The stuff will roll off the shelves).

Don’t warm and fuzzy feelings just envelope everyone in the wake of learning a sanctioning body – in fact, the very same which provides the rules, purses, level playing fields and Mark Raffauf (at right, with rare smile) – now offers a bounty for the defeat of its premier team?

Pruett, plied from the regulatory paperwork necessary to sell his wines, was actually honored.

“It all goes back to racing ‘roots,’” Pruett said, “From local bullrings on up, racing has used bounties for a long time in an effort to knock someone off the top. Heck, I’m honored.”

JUST AN OLD WINO

The 51-year-old Pruett, a guy who 20- and 30-somethings just can’t seem to best on the track (take THAT you impudent little impatient farts, always riding my rear bumper, yelling at “the Old Guy” ahead to “Move over!”) splits his time between teaching those youngin’s a thing or two and stomping something of another sort: grapes.

With just the right amount of this and that, the grapes eventually turn into wine, but such transformation isn’t the result of anything but good ol’ hard work – and a spot of brains.

Indeed, principally among California wine connoisseurs, Pruett’s wine vintages are so enjoyed they’re nearly sold out.

Pruett Vineyards has just started labeling a specially commissioned limited-edition Indy 500 wine, which can be purchased at newly opened web page at Pruett Vineyards website.

The readers of this are among the first to get a look at the Indy 500 100th Anniversary wine bottle, pictured at right.

(A direct link follows for the now-activated Pruett Vineyards order form should you wish to skip all the pretty pictures and go straight for the scoring of a soon-to-be-gone Indy 500 100th anniversary wine. And, yes, Ol’ DC ordered his before putting this up on ColdPit, too.)

“The Indy 500 chose our Pruett Vineyards Cab (“cabernet”) from the many who wanted to be a part of this special Indy 500 bottling,” the 1989 Indy 500 Rookie of the Year said.

“I’m really proud of it. They could’ve chosen others but the people involved in this at Indy (“Indianapolis”) chose ours.”

Pruett additionally noted that labels for “any alcoholic product in the U.S.” must first be approved by the federal government’s Department of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms. No doubt California likely has a similar counterpart, too. (Doesn’t anyone find it curious that wine is one of humankind’s oldest alcoholic concoctions and yet now someone must ask “daddy” for permission to produce it? Shades of the Whiskey Rebellion!)

“It took nearly six weeks to get the paperwork through and we got it, just in the nick of time (last week),” he said.

(Hmmm, one now wonders if the same ATF guy who samples all the liquor is the same guy who test-fires all the weapons? Man, that’s gotta be fun to watch, huh, Kevin?)

Pruett shared his 1989 Indy 500 Rookie of the Year (ROY) honors with Bernard Jourdain after a post-race tie vote by the on-hand news media, who could’ve voted for any first-year Indy 500 contender having no single baseline criterion demanded beyond that of the competitor having actually started the race.

Though a tie is rare, Pruett and Jourdain’s selection as 1986’s top rookies nevertheless wasn’t a first or last in the press’ annual poll.

There’s was one of five such instances since 1952, when ROY honors were first bestowed on the best of first-time Indy competitors. The eight other tied ROY drivers: Bobby Marshman and Parnelli Jones, 1961; Larry Rice and Rick Mears, 1978; Roberto Guerrero and Michael Andretti, 1984; Alex Barron and Tomas Scheckter, 2002.

(By the way, Warren Scheckter, Tomas Scheckter’s first cousin, is a prominent, trusted member of the SunTrust No. 10 Chevrolet-Dallara team. Observers won’t see Warren Scheckter clothed in the blue/orange firesuits like those worn by the Family Menego (three of ‘em!), uniforms once being black with a spot of yellow. Have you noticed, or is it just me, that the SunTrust team just hasn’t been the same, since changing to blue/orange/yellow, red, white, silver? And did you notice me deftly moving way the heck off the original subject, having very little tangential quality?

(No, the slim, funny sounding South African, handsome and yet debonair Warren Scheckter wears impossibly impeccable white shirts having just the proper amount of starch and perfectly pressed creases in each.

(On account of Americans evidently having considerable difficulty with tongues other than their own, especially insisting someone’s name be pronounced the way we wish and not the manner he or she wishes, it’s unclear as to whether Warren changed the pronunciation of his first name, as did Tomas (toeMAS to TOMus), who probably should’ve just gone with “Tommy.”

BLAST FROM THE PAST

Grand-Am Press Release from VIRginia International Raceway, 2003

ALTON, Va. (October 05, 2003) -- Bell Motorsports has been in search of the Daytona Prototype points lead all season long, and the team finally moved to the front of the class with its victory in the VIR 400 at Virginia International Raceway on Sunday. Andy Pilgrim (far left) started the No. 54 Chevy Doran JE4 Daytona Prototype on the pole and Terry Borcheller (near left) captured the checkered flag 400 kilometers and 77 laps later.

The No. 54 Chevy's boost into the points lead was due in part to the troubles suffered by the No. 58 Red Bull Porsche FABCAR Daytona Prototype of Brumos Racing. The Porsche fell victim to suspension damage early in the race, which dropped it several laps behind, and had its fate sealed when it was involved in a multi-car pile up with only 15 laps remaining in the race.

The Brumos Racing No. 59 Porsche had been leading the race prior to the pile-up, but ducked into the pits for a splash of fuel and a new front right tire, giving the lead over to Borcheller in the No. 54 Chevy. Only three turns later Borcheller was able to maneuver the No. 54 machine around the three-car collision to smooth sailing to the checkered flag.

Haywood was able to hold onto second place overall, despite a serious threat from Darren Law in the G&W Motorsports No. 8 BMW Picchio DP. Law pressured Haywood throughout the final laps but could never get around the No. 59 Porsche and took home third-place honors.

IN THE ROAD, AGAIN

Yes, no it hasn’t a thing to do with Willie Nelson. (Ain’t English just wonderful!?)

Seeing as we’re in the “neighborhood,” it seems only appropriate that another song from the Beatle’s Retirement Album should get mentioned herein: “Why Don’t We Do It In The Road?”

A new BMW 6-Series television commercial, the subject of which being an engine-growling convertible repeatedly seen with apparent, poorly fitting body work in the bonnet’s leading left-side area, makes a lot of noise in, um, on the road – engine noise – that one just has a hard time believing would be made anywhere outside of a dynamometer room – or this weekend at the front of the VIRginia International Raceway’s Bosch 250 field (whether the No. 01 TELMEX BMW-Riley or the No. 61 Gamma88 BMW-Riley, it’s a reasonable bet both will be in that immediate neighborhood).

While a Dinan BMW can be a tad pricey for some, a “regular” BMW owner nonetheless can occasionally catch no-charge Dinan modifications, given good timing skills. Click here to learn how.

Anyone got a spare 135i they can lend a worthy motorsports writer? No? How about a nice M5? Or a new 6 series . . . a Yugo?

Later,

DC